Ethan's Humiliating 1 Mile Walk Of Shame.

First of all, I feel I was misled.  And that really ticks me off.  I hate being set up for failure. It makes me look bad and upsets civilians at their breakfast. However, Cheryl says we are "Dedicated to Failure."  Usually this is in reference to life and various business decisions... But before I get ahead of myself, let's start from the beginning. 

Today, Cheryl and I attended the "Mile's In The Maize."  A 5K run for her and a One mile walk for Me, Cheryl and a friend from work. It was "a-Maize-ing" ly disappointing... for me mostly.  Because I was told that the one mile portion of the race was going to be a walk.  A walk through the corn field maze that was set up there. But instead, at the last minute... the race officials changed the "rules" and revealed that the one mile "walk" was going to be around the corn maze, instead of through it.  AND it was going to be timed. 

A "Timed Walk!?!?!"   Who times their walks?   Um...no one.   You only time runners.  Walkers know they are slow.  That is why it is called walking and not running. No one brags that they set a "New PR in the One Mile Walk."  unless you are really socially awkward at parties.

David and Me.. Ready to walk!

And so it goes that the rules where changed on a blustery, sub-50 degree day in the late autumn.  I wore walking clothes... not running clothes.  I am a Bike rider... Not a runner.  I was prepared for walking and talking, and catching up on old times with a friend that Cheryl also managed to convince to join us.  David Dickey.  I'm not entirely sure how David felt about the changes, but by the looks of his attire, he was also prepared for a relaxing walk through the corn maze, walking and talking to friends about the past Summer events. NOT a one mile race around the corn.

 

I'll skip the 5k run.   It was a run!  And Cheryl won her age group....again.  And won $50 bucks..  again.  

But after the 5k... and the Award ceremony.  The one Mile Walk through the Maze was to begin.  we gathered up only to be left behind the instant they said "GO!" People were off like a shot!  No baby strollers,  no dog walkers.  Just the three of us... in the back of the pack.   Pack?  Did I say pack?  There were only about 30 people that ran the 1 mile.  AND only three walkers... David, Cheryl, and me!

At first, I felt indignant. I was not going to be forced to run a walk, just because everyone else wanted to follow the herd.   But eventually the shame and humiliation of being DEAD LAST in a race that provided NO COVER for slow people began to creep up.   We hastened out pace to a "brisk walk" and even a light "jog" in certain areas.  Stationed along various off shoots were volunteers who would "cheer" you on as if you were accomplishing the impossible with your amazing walking skills.  Seriously... No need to cheer here.  It was only a mile and I think I will make it, thank you very much. 

Add in that there was a double loop, and the folks who we managed to get in front of.. took the finish line loop instead of doing a second loop around the field.   How do I know this?  Because the Golf cart that was following  the tail end suddenly was hurrying us along...  And those people were not behind us. ( nor did they pass us!)  In hind sight, we should have done the same thing... Blending into the other runners as they took the final loop turnout.  But no... We had to do the second loop... Entirely alone!  With the "Clean Up" Golf Cart Following right behind us.... Cheering us all along the way as if that last 1/4 miles was a major accomplishment. 

The After Party After Party.  With Food!

So we finished.   Cheryl made us "hobble" along the final pumpkins to cross the finish.  I got a medal, a  T-shirt, a Pumpkin, and No Donut! ( they were ALL GONE by the time we got to the finish line.)   And the joy of finishing dead last in a one mile walk.. where no one else walked!  So technically, they were the ones not following the rules. 

Had I known it was going to be a run... First: I would not have been talked into signing up.  Second:  I would have worn more sporting clothes. ( shorts, better shoes, no jacket... etc.) And Finally: I would have trained and actually Tried!  No one wants to be last.   I would have made sure I at least outran some little kid in the final stretches.  

Well, maybe this is a sign that I should never run a race.  Not that that was ever on one of MY bucket lists.  But if it were.. And I was serious about it.  I would train first.  And Know the Rules.  Who would want to attend a bike ride across America, only to find out they changed it to a Run?

So that is all I have for venting now.  The medal they handed out is more like a Badge of Dishonor instead of a Medal of Achievement. Perhaps Bling would mean more if it had a better memory attached to it. Oh!  And did I mention Cheryl won $50 bucks?  It's a gift card for Shoes, but  Money is Money. 

A side note.  Mike and Pam Zakosek finished their Marathon and half marathon respectively. Mike's timing chip must have not triggered the first mat during the Marathon, because the Tracking App said he was still at the finish line. That is a lot of "Runner's Jargon" to say, we were worried he had either missed the race, or had not triggered the official Timer, so his race would not "count."  But in the end, it all worked out and they were successful.  We hope they have a safe trip home after a long day.  

Come to think of it, running those distances makes my rant seem small and petty.  But I'm a writer!  And this is my blog, were I make mountains out of molehills,  Jungles out of un-mowed lawns, and   kittens out of roaring, prehistoric tigers. It's a gift I choose to share with the world.  But for now, I will be downing my depression by eating a pint of ice cream.  Thanks for stopping in.