A Farewell To Phil...

That is correct. It is with a deeply saddened heart to report that  Phil   Er, I mean: The guy who is in the Witness Protection Program will soon be leaving the Herd for the Bright Red Warehouse over The Great Horizon...  

Don't be fooled by that cute bare fur face...

 

 

Haribo!  

 

 

When asked about his decision,  Phil said it was not a "Black and White" issue.   Rather,  it was a  need for more color in his life.   And by "color",  he meant: better pay, more friends, better benefits, more vacation days, more meaning, a gold watch, better uniforms, better food, more hair nets, a better car,  more fame, more glory, higher status, more Dancing Girls, and his own private jet airplane!  

A Short Phil ...  I mean...  In Short.....Phil will be giving up his Sleak and Sexy Stripes for  Rainbows and Teddy Bears!  

And if you ever saw Phil... You would understand why being a gummy bear would be more of his kind of thing. 

Who wants to pet the bear?

And who wouldn't?   Every kid loves Rainbows AND Teddy Bears.  And Haribo has BOTH! They say that the grass is often  greener on the other side of the fence. But what if there were more colors than just green over there?   Wouldn't you want to climb over that fence and play with the Bears too?  

He was a mostly hard worker. And he was fairly reliable...  Showing up  a few days each week. He always usually  never complained and was rarely sometimes a joy to work with. 

Well,  at least he went quick!   After his two weeks notice. And he will be missed... by More than just the people who are throwing things at him.     You see.... Now that Phil is  mostly gone, there will be a huge hole left that Phil once filled.  And that means that Management, along with everyone else in the building, will be scrambling to fill Phil's spot:          That place in the break room.   

Already,  Jazzy Jeff has made a play for Phil's seat at the "cool table" where Tom, Marian, and Jane have their lunch.   I can only guess that Jeff's motives are driven by the  conversation with cooler people.  Although it could also be the fact that Marian and Jane occasionally bring donuts and treats for the table. Or  the  placement against the back of the wall.  Did I mention that Phil was in the Witness Protection Program? We should probably keep that a secret.... BUT.... If I had  allegedly embezzled millions of dollars from the Mob, I would want a seat with my back facing the wall too!  

But there is more than just a good seat in the break room.   With Phil mostly gone now,  that means that a Senior Warehouse Associate spot is now open!  And I might make a play for that.  Now I know what you are thinking: Why would I want to give up my "Material Handler One" position  for a "Senior Warehouse Associate?  Let me tell you friends.  The term "Senior" is not in reference to Phil being over the age of 60.   It means that his slot has more gravitas.  And with a new title comes STATUS!  I know that I can make "Senior Warehouse Associate"  Great Again! If  I get your vote....

So let us remember our feelings for Phil, as we bid him a fond farewell to his new fields and friends.  His becoming a bear will bear no resentment as he bares himself to the unbearable and becomes barely visible  with cute sweet  gummies, hairnets, and beard nets... Rather than a part of the herd.  Already people are placing orders for Red Bears.  A tidal wave of tasty temping teddies!  No wonder everyone is trying to get his contact info.  

So that is all I have.. On this late night as I try to come up with jokes to roast Phil.   Did we mention we had a pizza party for him while he was absent last Friday?   Jeff hit him up for $20 to help defer the costs before he left Thursday.   I know that that might sound a little insensitive to his leaving...  But the party was in his honor after all.  And $ 20 bucks for  $20 bucks worth of Pizza seems like a small price to pay. 

Na, I'm just kidding.   We didn't have any pizza.... Because Phil refused to give us any money.  Talk about ungrateful....

All fooling aside,  Phil was a great guy to work with.   Even when he was not working...  which was often.   (Kind of true for all of us...  since it was a start up and there are many moments of boredom.) Phil had lots of stories, jokes, and musical trivia to entertain us with.   Along with an often misguided sports loyalty that Fransisco (The PIT driver, not the city by the bay.) often called him out on.  But I know nothing about sports.   And even less about music.   So most of Phil's stories  were tuned out as I tried to educate him on Mushrooms and Fish. We made a good team.  

Who will replace Phil?

And now that he is going to Haribo...   The three Amigo's of the DIM squad will soon be down to one.   Me.   But I am confident I will find new recruits to fill in the vacancies.   Just like the three stooges found replacements for Curly and Shemp. I imagine the logical choice will be John and Jeff.  I don't think Paul wants the job, even though he held the title "Phil 2.0" for a few weeks there. 

And in the event that Phil finds that Scott has been employed at Hariobo ahead of him... and has a change of heart...  despite the promises of a jet airplane....  I have heard that our Manager, AJ has extended an open invitation back to Zebra.   With a pay cut and a different shift.  It's good to know you are always welcome back if things don't work out.   Or if Scott is working at your new job. 

So a Heart Felt Farewell to Phil!   The greatest non-PIT driver Zebra or GXO has ever known.  He will be missed.   And not just by the people who are looking for him.  ( Did I mention he was in the Witness Protection Program? We should probably keep that a secret...)   For this reason, many of the above information has been changed or censored for the protection of the innocent.  And Phil.

Find the Phil in this fiasco!

Phil?   Phil who?

There is no one here by that name.... anymore.    Wink! Wink!...  (We got ya covered Phil.  Your secret is safe with us! )