The Secret Art of Peeing While Biking On A City Trail....

Mommy!  What are all those cyclist doing????

Due to the sensitive subject material, I have been avoiding blogging about this topic.   However,  ever since the Corona Virus. ( CCP virus, for those in the know..)   I have felt this topic is long overdue.   Before I open the flood gates,   I will have you know that there are many layers to this Onion and I may get distracted as I expose each one.   So let's get to going.....

First,   The Terry Trueblood trail was one of our favorite places to ride/run because they have restrooms on both the start and half way point.  We could go before we started AND go at the mid point just when that first 24 ounce coffee kicks in.     Coralville also has a bathroom that the close for the winter months, but during the summer, it is a welcome sight.  Muscatine has also added  several bathrooms at the 5 miles mark near the Weed Park. 

The only complaint I had before the Pandemic was that the Trueblood Bathrooms at the mid point would often have homeless people sleeping in them during the early morning hours.  ( 10 A.M.?)   But the Bathrooms at the lake would always be opened by staff at 9:00 AM sharp!   Until the Corona Virus. ( CCP virus for those in the know...)

Not that the bathrooms were the Pinnacle of cleanliness! Anyone going into a public restroom HAS to accept that "other people" with "Questionable Sanitation Practices" Also use those facilities.... That is why we either touch nothing or wash hands thoroughly after use. ( Or both!) The bathroom has a purpose, and preparing food or performing sterile surgery is not one of them.  However,  with the MADNESS that is the Corona Virus,  The City has closed and locked up the rooms completely!   Of all the potential health risks posed by public bathrooms, this CCP virus was the one where scientific officials have drawn the line.  Bathrooms pose a threat!  So avoid using the bathrooms!

Public restrooms no longer
available...

If only the call of nature would understand....   The "Scientist" in City hall must know that closing the bathrooms is not going to stop people from having to go.  And what better way to spread a virus than to turn the public trails into an open  public sewer?   That sounds way less risky!   Cholera outbreaks are so rare these days in the U.S....  But I digress.

Can't believe someone wrote this
down!

So!  You just drank your 24 ounce coffee and now... after biking for 45 minutes,  you have to go!   What do you do?   Well,  here is where the "Art" comes into play.  You have to be aware of your surroundings.   IF you are in , say... Iowa City.  There are very few places where you can gain the privacy needed to relieve the tensions that are causing your sudden fits of rage, irritability, and outbursts of Profanity.   If, on the other hand, you are on the Kewash trail,   then you may find that there are NOT many people sight-seeing in your vicinity. No one wants to be saved from a virus, only to be arrested for indecent exposure!  And Iowa City has a LOT of prying eyes on the trail... Now that they no longer have jobs, have lots of time, and have nothing else to do.

Be careful around that tree...

Next:  Check out the vegetation.   You may be thinking you are hidden in the tall grass and thickets, only to discover you are surrounded by Poison Ivy!  (Um...  It could happen.... To someone..) Know your plants!  Nettle and Poison Ivy may give you an itch you don' want to scratch!  Now I'm no Botanist... Ok, maybe a little.  But there are a lot of plants out there that do not like humans!  Or their wobbly bits.   Did you know Black Berry Bushes have thorns?   This is why Blackberries do NOT taste like ammonia...  I'll let you think about that.

Nothing makes the call of nature more irritating than the other calls of nature.  Meaning:  BUGS!   Buzzing flies, biting flies, gnats, bees, ticks, and scary spiders make concentrating on the "Free flow of Ideas" that much more difficult.  When nature calls,   Find a place with less nature.

Thanks for the cover!

For these reason,  we have been frequenting the Kewash Trail and the Riverfront trail in Muscatine.  Muscatine has opened their bathrooms because they apparently, see a greater threat in people relieving themselves along the trail rather than in designated areas.  Plus their facilities are cleaned routinely through out the day.  Kewash is basically farmland,  so you can do what you want and blame the pigs for the bad smell!  ( The animals provide cover!  Isn't that nice?)  Even Coralville has opened up their bathrooms!  So, if you can actually GO in a bathroom that has been provided by taxpayers,    it is best if you do that.   It is less embarrassing, less dangerous, less risky and probably less illegal!   Otherwise you have o look like you are hunting mushrooms, looking for cans, or photographing birds. 

All this rant is because we ran in Iowa City today and they are still behind the curve!   Their "one way" signs are buried beneath the tall grass, yet they refuse to take them down.   Their bathrooms are all locked.  Their politicians are  busy defunding the police.   It is a backward city and Cheryl and I do not want to run or pee along their trails.   The restrictions, heavy traffic and poison Ivy have made it abundantly clear... Runners and Cyclist who have to go... are not welcome in Iowa city.