This weekend I said goodbye to my best friend... Forever. My "Better Half" that I have known for over half of my life.
And it hurts.
For over a year now, we have lived separate lives.... And I have tried to figure out a way to bring us back together. But I have failed. It is over. Apparently.... It was over all along without me truly realizing it.... And there is now no recovery. All that is required now is to make it official. A process that I have been working on over this last weekend.
I never thought it would come to this. Never in a hundred years would I have thought that I would be in this position... Trying to plan for an uncertain future. Alone. Without Cheryl by my side. I always believed we made a good team and together, we could overcome any obstacle. But I guess I was alone in that belief.
In this world, everything eventually dies. Trees, Cats, Businesses, and even Relationships. I had planned and promised to let death determine the end of our marriage. But life has thrown us a curve-ball that I must have missed. Perhaps both of us missed it. For in the end, we have decided that separate lives are the best and only way to proceed.
The process should be easy. We have no assets, no house, no children, and no cats to separate or divide between us.. We already swapped titles for the cars. I now have the title for the Silver Bullet Subie and She has the title for the Bean.
So now Cheryl is free to go on with the life she always wanted. A Life... Without Me. To pursue a Career in journalism and use her writing skills as they were meant to be used. She can now run any race she wants and travel to any destination she chooses. With anyone she wants... Cheryl, who is no stranger to achieving great things, has once again
managed to do what I thought would be impossible: She has made me no longer care.
She might be losing a husband., but I have lost everything. I have lost a friend, a partner. I have lost playful conversations, physical intimacy, those moments of Bliss and Love. Everything... Except the memories. The memories of the laughter, the joy, the sorrows, the scenic views and the long, country walks. The morning smiles with sunlight in her hair; the goodnight kisses and the warmth of her body next to mine. The deep, thoughtful conversations and the midnight whispers. All of those memories.... Over 26 years worth.... now only bring pain in my heart. And I wonder if I will ever be able to forget them or this feeling that they dredge up. Because instead of blessed nostalgia, They only serve as a reminder of what went wrong.
I have also lost her Family. A family I was actually quite fond of. And since I no longer have my parents; And my brother and I rarely speak anymore... Her family was the ONLY family I had in my life. I doubt they know... yet.... What exactly happened between us. But I will leave that to Cheryl to tell them. Because I doubt I will ever see any of them again. And that is a sad and painful thought.
But a Man who has lost everything has nothing left to lose! And that is a POWERFUL position to be in. I don't know what my future holds, But I will rise up and discover a new part of my story that has yet to be written. And this story will be mine alone to write.
As for this chapter of my story... And this blog. I am wondering how I should proceed. It started out as a carving blog, and morphed into a running blog with occasional scenes of car repair, stocking manufacturing, Origami videos, and mushroom foraging. In short, it became a blog about my life and how I shared it with with Cheryl. Had I abandoned this blog before the Move to Iowa, I would not have had all of these experiences recorded in the same place. But now.... As I re-read these old posts.... How can I possibly continue my thoughts when half of my subject material is gone?
But a blog should be about one's own life. And all of the good and bad that happens during it. But I'm afraid I have more people reading this blog than I suspect. And perhaps I should keep some of my next moves a little more close to the chest.
