Additional health benefits from a toilet seat

I was looking at some boxes of cereal the other day and I found the most amazing claim. That this certain cereal "may help prevent certain types of cancer!" This was HUGE! What a great sales tactic. It also got me to do a little research and brainstorming to figure out just how I can make this same claim for my toilet seats. Turns out, IT"S TRUE! Toilet seats May prevent certain types of cancer. So let's do a little parsing of the words. Toilet seats MAY ( not definite, however, there is currently NO research to refute this) prevent CERTAIN ( not every, not all, maybe only one...and who knows what that one type is) cancer. But why stop at cancer. after all there are a plethora of other health problems that I think toilet seats can and do help through everyday use.
-Toilet seats Aid in certain digestive processes. ( I think we can all get behind that)
-Toilet seats help reduce certain abdominal pain. ( think about that one, certain people who have abdominal pain, use a toilet seat somewhere in the process of relieving it)
-Toilet seats may aid in the reduction of certain bladder pain.
-Toilet seats help certain people recover more quickly from alcohol poisoning.
Another interesting fact is that most people who have recovered from their disease, injury, or ailment, have at one time or another, used a toilet seat during their recovery. This is HUGE! Therefore, I believe that people should not only buy toilet seats for looks or interior designs, but also buy them for their health benefits as well.
Legal disclaimer: At no time am I making the claim that toilet seats DEFINITELY cure any or all forms of biological ailments. This is simple meant as a mental exercise to help people realize the benefits that toilet seats provide in their everyday lives.